I made a mistake

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine wonderful years. In our first five or seven years together, we always made sure that we celebrate our monthsaries and anniversaries. We went on dinner/movie dates every week. We cooked and did household chores together. We always teased each other and laughed at our jokes no matter how corny they were. We never had big fights for we always settled our differences as soon as we could.

We thought that we are the perfect couple the world could ever have. But just recently… we realized that there really is no such thing as perfect relationship.

A few years back, I started to focus too much on my work and on my material needs. I started to crave for more and be more. As I worked harder to get the things I wanted, my expectations of the world grew higher. I thought that I deserved it. I deserved to have more because I was giving my all.

That was when the tenacity of my ambitions caught up with our relationship. I started to expect more from my boyfriend. Suddenly, I could no longer see his efforts. I no longer felt giddy about the little things he was doing for me. Then, anxiety crept on me. I started to think that maybe he was not that in love with me anymore because he was no longer doing the things I was hoping that he would do for me. Because I believed that I deserved more.

My boyfriend couldn’t pass the expectations I had set of him. So I scolded him and pushed him away.

Consequently, my boyfriend began to question himself. He became confused and insecure. He started to believe that no matter what he did, he would only make me sad or angry; hence, he won’t do anything.

Slowly, inch by inch, a barrier rose between us.

From a perfect relationship, ours became the one where we could no longer even look at each other’s eyes and start a conversation. And then, I thought, where could have we gone wrong? Or more aptly, where and when could have I gone wrong?

One night, he asked me, “What’s wrong? What did I do?”

I didn’t know what to say. All my egotistical self could think of at that moment was, This is because you didn’t give me enough attention. I didn’t want to put up a fight that time so I didn’t answer. Instead, I asked in return, “What do you mean what’s wrong?”

All of a sudden, he bursted into tears. And screamed. That was the first time I saw him seemingly buried deep in so much pain.

Watching him cry his heart out brought me back to my senses. I finally admitted to myself that I was the one who caused him pain, that the barrier between us was of my doing… that everything was my fault. He always does what I ask him to do. He always listens to my rants. He always kisses me at mornings and at nights. He never fails to try to make me laugh. Why did I ever push him away? Why did I ever look for invaluable things and not on the ones that matter? Why did I make him suffer?

All I cared about were my own needs. All that my superficial eyes could see were how little his deeds, his time, and his dedication were to our relationship. I chose to feel that he didn’t make efforts to cheer me up, to make me happy. But did I ever ask myself if I gave him the amount of time and effort that I so wanted from him? I was so consumed by my own desires and pains that I shooed away his love.

I didn’t focus on what matters most–us.

As realization dawned on me, I cried. I wrapped my arms around him so tightly, like I would never hug him the same way again. And in my sincerest tone, I said to him, “I’m sorry.”

There is no perfect relationship. There will always be a time when life will test you and your partner. When this time comes, be sure to mind only the things that matters and focus on the person you love. You have to accept that your life will never be perfect–so are the people in it. Dreaming is good; but lessen your expectations. Remember to enjoy even the littlest of what you have in life. When you start to appreciate the good things around you, that’s the only time you’ll feel the real happiness life can bring. I can’t express how lucky I am to have my man beside me, loving me with all his heart despite the things that I’ve done to him. He really is the greatest gift that God has given me. Him alone is enough for me to feel that, indeed, I am blessed.

God’s gift to me.

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